That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
What kind of a cult is this?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes