That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics
peep davidson
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out