That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!