that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
😍😂🥰😂😍
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.