that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
You Might Also Like
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Isn’t
