that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
men, we mow at sunrise.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”