that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork