That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
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Who’s your best friend?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
