that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me