that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason