that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”