that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
pictures of spider-man
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up