Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I have a type: disappointing

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

one last job

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then