Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names