that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
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*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
#inspiration #foodforthought
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.