that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
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*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
car not found
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
me at the job i begged god for
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
where the womens at?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The pasta is now
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Nothing to do, you say?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on