that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
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Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
New tinder profile pic
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.