Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

What’s the point buying it then?

🦝🔥🦝🔥

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.