Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

My hips? Compulsive liars.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

plums roundup

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”