Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

🙏🏾

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

Does your wife know you’re single?

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Worth remembering.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today