Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Finally! 😈

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

📽️movie date🎞️

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!