That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Pigeon open mic night.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”