That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
meanwhile over on facebook
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
when the buffet is more honest than your date
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH