That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
this will hang in the louvre one day
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
And now we wait
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife