That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*