That took me a moment.
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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Education is vital
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
It’s on my to-do list.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster