That took me a moment.
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal