That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.