Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

A recipe for laughter

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”