That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.