Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.