Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers