@oakhillbargrill

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

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@Henry_3000

Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.

@Sophie2078

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

@KentWGraham

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

@MickyMax6

Eat anything u want.

If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too

@yungfedora

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

@KaufmanAudrey

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.