@oakhillbargrill: That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I've made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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@Browtweaten: Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim Kid: Even Jesus? Mom: Of course Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying's a sin, Brenda
@imence2: "My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth" was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
@Jandalize: Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
@ActualHuman01: [blind date] her: this is nice, i was worried you'd turn out to be weird or something me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship her: ah there it is