Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Eat anything u want.
If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“I don’t care,” I say, slowly developing an ulcer
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.