Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying