That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My birthstone is kidney
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.