Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

I want what they have

Still cracks me up

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.