That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*