Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.