That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Cake safety first. Always.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
What is going on? 😅
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
