That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Always 🥴
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
Cats (2019)
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
