That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
You Might Also Like
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
in 3 months
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Everyone’s family
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.