“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
