“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
