That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My background check bounced.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.