That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.