That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I basically called this earlier today
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”