That was easy.
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.