That was easy.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
This bar smells like my childhood.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.