“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars