“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Tough love is true love
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which