“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
nice challenge
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”