That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.