That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Ion see the issue
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”