That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
You Might Also Like
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
🤣
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Milk Cube
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole