Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

“How’s your day going?”

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.