Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.