That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Pandas 🐼🖤
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I feel like one of these would kill a European