That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**