Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.