That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin