That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
🤣🤣
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Muppet Screams
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.