“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it