“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
How did we not see this back then?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
my mom making me talk to relatives
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.