Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

ㅤ

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.