that wasn’t the question
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Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?