I thought I had life all sorted out, and then the wind blew.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.
#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!