@ScottLinnen

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

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@Mormonger

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

@robdelaney

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

@Swishergirl24

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

@ColesTwitt3r

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

@ThaJawn

What do you want for dinner?

4: A bucket..

*Googles better school districts

@PinkCamoTO

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

@erikbransteen

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump