Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I have the body of a 30yr old
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
What do you want for dinner?
4: A bucket..
*Googles better school districts
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump