@ScottLinnen

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

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@causticbob

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

@ToneLoaf

You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”

@krisv_723

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

@dire_beard

I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.

@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick