That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you