That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*