Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Lmao

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

so, is there a mister shapen head

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home