Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car