Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

⚠️ Important Reminder:

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

going to bed

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.