Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

I sexually identify as a hand grenade