that would 100% work on me
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH