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what is cheese if not milk persevering
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.